The Fellowship Discovers LOTR Fanfiction
by Lea of Mirkwood
Summary: Ignore brief lapses into idiocy. This is only kept up for posterity. Go read my other fics, this one's crap.


What Happens when the Poor People Find Out What Has Been Written About Them  
  
Rating: PG-13, innuendoes, stalking fangirls, obsessive Mary-Sues (SAVE THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!)  
  
Author: Lea of Mirkwood  
  
Disclaimer: Do not own LOTR, do not own actors on LOTR, do not own freaks who write fics about actors in LOTR, however, wish did own them, so could push them off cliffs and rid the world of their oddness. (Though those who write humorous fics about them, such as "I ran into their dressing room and chased them down the halls of Moria set" are okay, so long as they do not add smut at the end.) and I do not own Frodo/Elijah's lovely blue eyes, though they are very, very, very, very nice eyes. Very...very blue. We likes them. And I don't own the fanfics in here, so if you see your own in here, it's your fault for scaring me with odd mental pictures. (Legolas and Gimli? Legolas and GANDALF????)  
  
Note: I am having issues with the Shift key. Apologies for any uncapitalized stuff.  
  
  
  
Legolas (yes, mwahahahahahaha, of course I begin with my darling little Elf.) was sitting in his err....room, surfing the internet. He came upon a blessed and cursed site, renowned for its wonderful OC fanfics, humorous fics, hilarious lists, and occasionally good slash, (only rarely, and when it's not sincere, but only humor.) and infamous for its Mary Sues who cry, "No! Gandalf! Let me save you!" and it's horrible smut slash, pointless lemons (plot? What plot?) and its...dare we say it? ACTOR FANFICS!  
  
Once the Elf read a few fanfics, after paling, reddening, and frantically pressing the BACK button numerous times in panic, he leaned back and laughed (a bit nervously, bordering on hysterical).  
  
"Well. I had no idea I liked Aragorn that much."  
  
Just then the door opened and...in ran Orlando Bloom. He hid, without asking, under the Elf prince's bed, chanting sotto voce about "they'recomingcomingcomingcominghelpmeThey'recomingI'mgoingtodieeee..."  
  
Legolas peeked under his bed.  
  
"Umm.....who are you?"  
  
"Orlando Bloom. The fangirls are coming." With that he vanished in a poof before I can write in any personality, thus getting sued for misrepresentation.  
  
Legolas shuddered. Just then, with a burst of swearing, in ran Merry and Pippin, trying not to spill their pints of ale.  
  
"Fangirls...coming...Fellowship following...danger!" they gasped, then fell over while impressively managing to keep the pints upright and on little coasters next to their heads. As Legolas worked all this out, remembering the fiasco with his so-called "Protectors," a few minutes passed by. At the end of these few minutes, the rest of the Fellowship ran in and bolted the door behind them. (Yes, Boromir too, because Reala would kill me if her "Bobo-puppy" continued to be...well...dead.) They all collapsed on the floor, except Gandalf and Gimli, who were distinctly lacking in fangirls. (Thank the Valar...that would be a troubling mental picture.) Frodo looked up at the Elf.  
  
"Why, Legolas? Why do they follow us?"  
  
"That's not all they do," the Elf said grimly. "Look at this."  
  
The Fellowship looked upon the Fanfiction.net glory and horror (but mostly glory, we luv ff.net.) and they gasped. For on that screen was a smutty lemony fresh slash, in all its glory and terror. It had in it all the glory and wrongness of a Merry/Pippin/Frodo/Sam love fest, an Aragorn/Legolas sex- on-a-bed-of-nails and the terror of a Merry/Pippin/Boromir threesome of fun and sex. They stared in horror, blinking, then paling, then reddening, then choking, and finally filled with the desire to vomit up all lunches in the past year. (yes, including elevenses and afternoon tea.) Aragorn looked at Legolas.  
  
"For the record, I'm engaged. And straight."  
  
"I hate you all now," said Boromir to the hobbits.  
  
::All typing stops when the Fellowship hears hysterical giggling from above, followed by the sound of.... because we can can can! Because we can can can can can! Pippin groans and addresses the authoress with a touch of disgust in his voice, but also affection, because my little Pip wuvs me! Sorry.  
  
"I knew it. You can't hide it anymore."  
  
They all gasp, and more hysterical giggling heard from Lea, who is now watching Moulin Rouge and being tempted to force Legolas to sing "Like a Virgin."  
  
"Lean down!" gasps Gandalf in horror. The authoress does so, and hiccups.  
  
"You've been...the mouthwash can't hide it. You've been drinking Coca-Cola on the sly!" said Aragorn sternly, in his best kingly voice.  
  
"Have not!" Lea said indignantly, then burst into a fit of giggles.  
  
"Are too!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Are not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Stop it right now!" roared Gimli.  
  
"He started it!" accused Lea. Just then she toppled over and began to snore softly. They looked at her curiously.  
  
"Huh. When she's all knocked out like that, she's kind of cute," said Legolas thoughtfully. Then, seeing the strange looks he was getting, said quickly, "In a psychotic, sadistic, freakish, hyper kind of way."  
  
She then woke up and began typing again, having already gotten inspiration...sort of.::  
  
"This is horrible!" cried Frodo in dismay, his lovely blue eyes widening in fear. He turned his beautiful, vulnerable piercing gaze on Sam. "I'm not like that, Sam. I....uh...er....no."  
  
"That's okay, Mr. Frodo. I'm going to have thirteen children. I'm definitely not gay."  
  
"I'm...not...gay...I...don't...like...Aragorn." said Legolas and Boromir.  
  
"A...a....a...bed of...nails?" said Aragorn in horror.  
  
Legolas shuddered. "Spandex...we don't even have spandex in Middle-Earth, but...." Shudder. "spandex."  
  
Merry and Pippin had moved far, far, far away from each other, to dispel any notions that any of the Fellowship may have had about the possible lack of innocence in their friendship and cousinship. The only ones unaffected, and now laughing at those that were affected, were Gandalf and Gimli. They were laughing hysterically at the misfortunes of the rest of the Fellowship.  
  
"Well, let me tell you, I'm sure not going to Mordor now. I don't even think I'll be going out my front door. I think I'll buy one of Farmer Maggot's dogs off him to follow me around," said Frodo of the blue eyes. (We likes the blue eyes...)  
  
"That's...that's a good idea," said Boromir, looking warily at the hobbits.  
  
"I think..." said Gandalf. "I think...we should just let Frodo put the Ring in his basement...and we all go out and lock ourselves in our rooms and never come out....oh. my."  
  
Gandalf had just found his very own slash. With Legolas. He looked at it in horror, then went pale.  
  
"Yes....yes..lock our doors. And hire many many many monsters to rip intruders to shreds."  
  
With that he disappeared. And so it was. Thanks to the fics, all the Fellowship ran home and locked their doors, getting paler and paler until they never saw the light of day again. And the ring was lost, until a very very long time, and then I don't think Ill write what happens then because I want some Coke.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
::The Fellowship advances on Lea very murderously.  
  
"A bed. Of nails," growled Aragorn.  
  
"What! Tori...Tori gave me the idea!"  
  
"This same Tori who wants to shag a Nazgûl, no matter how many times you tell her they're invisible corpses?" said Gandalf angrily.  
  
"Er...now that I think of it...yes?"  
  
Frodo whips out a net and hands it to Legolas, who tosses it over her and ties her up. Lea screams in fury.  
  
"A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES! IS THIS A DAGGER I SEE BEFORE ME, THE HANDLE TOWARDS MY HAND? O HAPPY DAGGER, THIS IS THY SHEATH, THERE RUST, AND LET ME DIE! ROMEO, I DRINK TO THEE! HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!"  
  
Pippin pried "The Complete Works of Shakespeare" from her hand and removed Moulin Rouge from her VCR and took her copy of Franco Zefferelli's Romeo and Juliet from her pile of tapes.  
  
"I don't think that last bit was Shakespeare," he said worriedly. "At least, I hope not."  
  
"Uncle Peter! My smelling salts!" Lea added, reminding them of another danger in the hands of Lea, and took away Gone With The Wind as well.  
  
"I'll never be hungry again!"  
  
The Fellowship carried the Authoress back to the throne room of Mirkwood and set her in front of the TV, pushing Thranduil aside as he was counting jewels again, and put Gone With The Wind in the VCR and gave her a 2 litre bottle of Coke, and Frodo and Pippin to cling to like giant stuffed bunnies, knowing that would keep her out of trouble for a few hours, at least until she got the need to consume large amounts of Jello:: 


End file.
